What Are You Carrying to Class?

A few years back, I wrote a song called “Pretty Little Gun”. It was meant to be ironic, poking fun at the idea of guns as a fashion accessory and “go to” mediation tool in Texas.
You can listen to it here: Pretty Little Gun Tune

I sang it with the swagger of a wealthy, know-it-all Texas cowgirl, stylishly intimidating everyone with my ability to riddle them with bullets on a whim. But because it was ironic, I dedicated my performance of it at South by Southwest to Texas Governor Ann Richards, who stood up to the gun lobby and refused to sign any laws allowing open carry of guns in Texas, despite her own bona fides as a gun owner.
Ann Richards gun

Many believe this stance cost her the reelection. Texans love their guns.

Thanks to our current governor, Gregg Abbott, who loves pandering to lunatics, we’ve got open carry in Texas now. And lots more guns. We’ve got lots more guns all over the country. And people dying as a result.

Here’s a link to the Gun Violence Archive, a non-profit group that is keeping accurate and up to date records of gun deaths: Gun Violence Update

Inevitably when I or one of my peace-minded friends posts these statistics on Twitter or Facebook, someone will come along and claim that we need more guns, not fewer. They want everyone to carry a gun. Because they believe a “good guy with a gun” can stop a madman with a gun.
gun rights tom tomorrow cartoon

Except that a man (or woman) who carries a gun can lose his temper and start his own rampage at any time, no matter how good he thinks he is. Even well-trained professionals like (hopefully) the police can’t always tell who’s good or bad or even what the hell is happening when guns are going off.

Countries with stricter gun laws than ours don’t have these mass killings as often. Yes, they sometimes do happen, but far less than for us. They’ve made it harder for all people to get guns, which has made it extremely difficult for madmen to get them. This means there are far fewer deaths overall. As Kevin Quealy and Margot Sanger-Katz reported in this recent New York Times article: You’re much more likely to die of a lightning strike than a gun in Japan. In fact, your odds of dying from a gun are monumentally lower in almost all other countries.
Death by Gun Likelihood By Country

People who are against all this gun carnage are looking at a long, hard fight. This summer, after the worst mass shooting in American History in Orlando, we’ve even seen a filibuster and a sit in in Congress in support of very limited gun control. But as of this writing, not even that could get the Republican-controlled Senate or House to agree on even the most basic of measures.
Which brings us to dildos.

student with dildo

In August, the University of Texas at Austin is going to have to allow students to openly carry guns. This is a horrible mistake, because students are a volatile lot and there are going to be deaths. But meanwhile, students led by UT alumna Jessica Jin, are organizing various Dildo protests.

Dildo protests UT

The University of Texas has a policy against carrying dildos openly on campus. They really do. But open carry of guns will be allowed as of August 1st, 2016. When classes start on August 24th, in answer to the open carry law, there will be a “strap in”, with hundreds and possibly thousands of young people openly brandishing dildos in classrooms and on campus in protest.

Will the dildo carrying protests be stopped by the outraged bullets of an armed man who values violence over sex? Will more violence ensue? Or will the absurdity of the situation allow some leniency from the people who feel they must carry guns to be safe and who are in fact enjoying intimidating people (girls with vibrators) who scare them? How long will the dildos be carried? One day? All semester? As long as open carry of guns is allowed?

Will this result in UT policy being changed so as to allow open carry of dildos? What about other tools of sexual gratification?
UT can’t stop allowing open carry, as a public university, it can’t opt out, as most of the private colleges in Texas have.

And will the absurdity of it all jar lawmakers into supporting stricter gun laws?

I watch with worried anticipation.

And of course, I’ve written a new song commemorating this event. Here are the lyrics. And a link to a rather rough recording of the tune. Not suitable for work, I’m afraid. But then, neither are gun battles. (Feel free to imagine the Eagles singing it a la Hotel California style)

My Arousomatic 153:

If you must have an artificial penis
Cause that’s the only way you’ll feel free
Couldn’t you get one
That takes batteries
And offers up to ten different speeds?
Do you have to have an AR-15?
That spits bullets at a lightning fast pace?
Wouldn’t you be happier
With something else that vibrates
And puts a big grin on your face?

Dildo lee doo!
Dildo lee dee!
Dildos or vibrators please!
I’m plenty good
Without a gun
With my Arousomatic 153
With my Arousomatic 153

The Arousomatic may not be legal
To carry around like a gun
But if you stow one of them in your backpack
You know you’re always ready for fun!
And if you feel a little unstable
And in need of security
The Arousomatic holds its charge for hours
And can also go AC/DC.

Dildo lee doo!
Dildo lee dee!
Dildos or vibrators please!
I’m plenty good
Without a gun
With my Arousomatic 153
With my Arousomatic 153

I don’t believe your reasons.
For carrying round your toys that kill
I know you’re not hunting for your dinner
You’re just looking for a bloodlust thrill.
But you know what puts the lust in bloodlust?
It’s a need to get off in some way.
Why not go back to basics
And use the kind of toy
That won’t get you killed or put away?

Dildo lee doo!
Dildo lee dee!
Dildos or vibrators please!
Give me a good guy
Without a gun
Or my Arousomatic 153
With my Arousomatic 153
My Arousomatic 153.

Sing along here:

by Marilyn Rucker

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